Lady is Broken

There is no easy way to do this; in fact I have been putting it off for weeks. The sad truth is that I, Ms. Lady Breaks, am broken. I don’t mean broken in the sense of cracked or rusty or crinkly or hurt. I mean b r o k e n. Crushed, obliterated, eliminated. Smashed into a zillion unfixable pieces.

tumblr_mjz08m2SK91rsa0rxo1_500

And I’ve spent a long time thinking through the best way to do this. I mean this site is about strong, resilient women and it’s about my journey towards a family. And now, my life is about none of those things. I feel weak and battered and unsure of the future. Every single one of my dreams has been ripped from me, callously and without warning. Everything I spent fourteen years building and loving is gone. The last eight years of a harrowing fertility journey has culminated in an epic naught and nothing.

Mr. Lady Breaks has opted out of our life together.

melancholia

Right now I simply can’t make sense of it, and I don’t know the right words to articulate it. I don’t know how not to spew hate across this page at what has been done to me. I don’t know how to describe the hole in my heart that was full of him for more than half my life. I don’t understand why this has happened. And I can’t begin to comprehend the depth of repugnance of character of someone who would come between a husband and a wife.

In all honesty I never would have thought that this would happen to me. I loved being married and I adored my husband and our life together. Fertility issues aside, I thought we had a pretty damn good life. But, I guess life is always ready with another curve ball, I just could never have seen this one coming – especially not when I was already in hospital!

Dogs-Knock-Down-Baby

I thought long and hard about closing Lady Breaks down completely. I feel humiliated and ashamed of my story now, like I finally managed to build up the courage to share everything and now it’s all irrelevant anyway. All those adoption assessments, safety locks, IVF needles, baby clothes, all that pain and anguish, the years of hoping and dreaming, it’s all withered away to a pointless and traumatic end. I was always so sure that Spring would eventually break forth for us.

So yeah, I was very close to just shutting this whole embarrassing blog down, I felt hypocritical, like everything it reflected no longer resonated with my reality. But then I remembered that I am the captain of this ship, and I really friggen love writing it. I remembered that its focus is on strong and resilient women, getting back up despite everything telling them to stay down… and I want to go to there.

tumblr_inline_mx34tkJaAb1rp5ay0

Right now, I do feel broken, but I know I will get up again. I would love you to keep walking with me as I fight my way through this (I promise to reward you with multiple cat gifs). I will still advocate for adoption. I will still promote infertility and pregnancy loss awareness. And I will still have my lovely, inspirational Guest Ladies. I just don’t really know what else I will have, because I really don’t know what my new life will look like yet. So if you don’t mind a blog that is more like an unfinished ‘Choose your Own Adventure’ novel, jump on board.

cat-playing-guitar-gif

As for me, I will get back to listening to Adele and watching animal compilations on Youtube.

x

Note: I don't really want to listen to Taylor Swift.

Note: I don’t really want to listen to Taylor Swift.

11 thoughts on “Lady is Broken

  1. ‘Choose your own adventure’ were always my favourite books!
    You are an incredible women. I was broken without notice – in silence and it helped no one – your bravery and willingness to share will inspire so many other beautiful ladies to get back up.

  2. My heart breaks with you, let your truth words in this blog be part of putting the pieces back together in a new, stronger shape.

  3. Even though I don’t know you well, I know this pain. You are an amazing woman and you will be OK. In the meanwhile, I’m onboard with love and empathy as you write next chapter of your advenure.

  4. Dear Sharlie, I know of you through a mutual friend on Facebook who often links your posts. You have written this blog with such courage and dignity. My heart ached for you when I heard what had happened…without warning, and without care. I am so sorry you have a long journey before you that you wouldn’t have chosen, a journey with no map and probably not even any tools to navigate with. Your courage to rise above is important, it will be hard, but you will come to a new place one day, where healing and peace are friends with you again.
    I appreciated very much the images you have put in the blog…as the saying goes, they can speak louder than words. I will be barracking for you as you find a way forward, free of the things that would hold you in pain.
    “You’re lovely, even with your scars…don’t try so hard” Amy Grant.
    All the best, Joy

  5. I am so glad that you are going to keep your blog going. You inspire me, and you make me laugh. Your courage and wisdom to share your life story will in turn help women going through the same. You are a blessing and God has marvelous plans for you. Thanks for the gifs too 🙂

  6. So brave and strong, good on you! Its a tough road ahead but one I have also myself travelled and have come out the other side. Thinking of you and sending lots of hugs xxxxx

  7. I am so very sorry to hear your sad news. I have been where you are right now and I feel your pain. I know we don’t know each other that well but I’m available for a coffee if you need to talk to someone that knows what you’re feeling. I’m so glad you’ve decided to keep writing. Sending lots of hugs your way.

  8. I’m so sorry to hear this. I will continue to follow your blog because you inspire me. You have so much strength and courage I truly admire that. I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Just know you will get through this. ❤

  9. Oh my dear Sharlie, you are very brave for posting this. I don’t really know what you’re going through but I pray that God would lavish His love on you like you never thought possible, and that He would show Himself as Healer, putting back together the broken pieces into an even stronger and more beautiful version of you. Much love xx

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s