All the feelings

My ex-husband gets re-married next week.

A few people have asked how this makes me feel and the honest truth is that it makes me feel pret-ty shit.

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I hardly remember what his touch felt like, yet there is not a day that goes by where my fingers don’t subconsciously search for the wedding ring that was bound to them. Likewise, he and his family still feature in some of my dreams as though my old life carries on unaltered in some subliminal place.

My heart still aches for all the things I lost – including him. However the person he is today bears no resemblance to that man I once knew and loved deeply, and for that reason I feel no longing when I think of him now.

But, unfortunately his impending marriage has shone a harsh and humiliating light on my own life. While I know it’s not helpful to think like this, I have found it impossible not to compare myself.

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If I’m completely honest most days I feel like an almighty failure. I feel as though every.single.thing I have put all of my effort into has failed. The old “make it happen” or “never give up” or “if you can dream it you can do it” adages ring like hurtful reminders that I mustn’t have tried hard enough. I mustn’t be enough.

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I feel ripped off that I spent the decade of my twenties fighting for the things I knew I wanted in my life: my marriage, a child, my career, my house – only to lose them all. And sure, these weren’t my decisions so they may not technically be my “failings” but I still feel relegated to living a life I did not build.

What deepens this pain is the rising knowledge that all those dreams may now be lost forever. That I’ve run out of time.

People tend to scoff at me when I say this, given I am only in my early thirties. But I have been hearing the words “Oh but you are so young – you have plenty of time!” for so long now that I wonder if I am the only one who knows how time works.

In regards to the baby situation certain health issues mean this is looking less and less likely. Owning a house again is ridiculously unattainable. The career thing is too painful to discuss right now and will need it’s own separate blog post. And marriage… Well we all know how well that panned out.

I’m not saying it’s all bad news – I know so much more about myself now, I’m so much stronger than I ever knew. I have somehow survived years of infertility, infidelity, divorce, multiple blood clots, and much more. I have friendships deeper than I knew was even possible.

I stand up for myself now. I am not afraid of using my own voice. And, as long as people don’t mind listening, I think I will keep on sharing what’s on my heart.

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I have no idea what the future holds, I certainly never imagined that “cynical over-sharing cat lady feminazi” would be my life, but here we are. I might not be having a European destination wedding any time soon but I am continuing to push forward, treasuring all the many wonderful, beautiful things that have found their way into this new, unexpected life.

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Thanks again for sharing this bizarre journey with me.

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