All the feelings

My ex-husband gets re-married next week.

A few people have asked how this makes me feel and the honest truth is that it makes me feel pret-ty shit.

giphy-downsized-large

I hardly remember what his touch felt like, yet there is not a day that goes by where my fingers don’t subconsciously search for the wedding ring that was bound to them. Likewise, he and his family still feature in some of my dreams as though my old life carries on unaltered in some subliminal place.

My heart still aches for all the things I lost – including him. However the person he is today bears no resemblance to that man I once knew and loved deeply, and for that reason I feel no longing when I think of him now.

But, unfortunately his impending marriage has shone a harsh and humiliating light on my own life. While I know it’s not helpful to think like this, I have found it impossible not to compare myself.

100626-Im-not-comparing-you-but-youre-DRFN

If I’m completely honest most days I feel like an almighty failure. I feel as though every.single.thing I have put all of my effort into has failed. The old “make it happen” or “never give up” or “if you can dream it you can do it” adages ring like hurtful reminders that I mustn’t have tried hard enough. I mustn’t be enough.

tumblr_m5pnmn9KnX1qkx3d4o1_250 2.GIF

I feel ripped off that I spent the decade of my twenties fighting for the things I knew I wanted in my life: my marriage, a child, my career, my house – only to lose them all. And sure, these weren’t my decisions so they may not technically be my “failings” but I still feel relegated to living a life I did not build.

What deepens this pain is the rising knowledge that all those dreams may now be lost forever. That I’ve run out of time.

People tend to scoff at me when I say this, given I am only in my early thirties. But I have been hearing the words “Oh but you are so young – you have plenty of time!” for so long now that I wonder if I am the only one who knows how time works.

In regards to the baby situation certain health issues mean this is looking less and less likely. Owning a house again is ridiculously unattainable. The career thing is too painful to discuss right now and will need it’s own separate blog post. And marriage… Well we all know how well that panned out.

I’m not saying it’s all bad news – I know so much more about myself now, I’m so much stronger than I ever knew. I have somehow survived years of infertility, infidelity, divorce, multiple blood clots, and much more. I have friendships deeper than I knew was even possible.

I stand up for myself now. I am not afraid of using my own voice. And, as long as people don’t mind listening, I think I will keep on sharing what’s on my heart.

wbLCKA9wNIELe.gif

I have no idea what the future holds, I certainly never imagined that “cynical over-sharing cat lady feminazi” would be my life, but here we are. I might not be having a European destination wedding any time soon but I am continuing to push forward, treasuring all the many wonderful, beautiful things that have found their way into this new, unexpected life.

b7c5cd44bad0eb68_kristen-wiig

Thanks again for sharing this bizarre journey with me.

x

4 thoughts on “All the feelings

  1. Hey Sharlie, I haven’t commented in such a long time, (due to my own struggles) but I have read your posts from time to time. And when I read “he’s getting married” well … I know how that one feels!
    Know it that you are enough! And being real is what counts! There’s not enough ‘real’ in this world, and if more people were real, rather than just pretending to be, then we’d be a whole lot better off as a society of support and encouragement. So know that at least some one else is encouraged by your hard core honesty. Maybe because they’re in a similar situation, and maybe it also encourages the ‘pretenders’ to get ‘real’.
    You’re awesome!
    Keep writing … and keep on keeping it real!

    • Thank you so much Helen, I have really struggled posting a lot because I know people don’t like hearing a lot of negative things, but in the end I just had to be true with what I’m feeling/going through. So your words of encouragement really mean a lot. I’m so sorry to hear it’s been a hard road for you. I totally agree with what you said about needing more “real” people in this world, it’s certainly a lot less isolating that way. Thank you again, Sharlie xoxoxo

  2. My heart breaks for you, dear friend. While I haven’t walked the same road as you, mine was similar in parts so I understand your pain. I’ve discovered recently that there is is such a thing as PTSD from the situations you and I have lived through so even though I am in a happier place with my family, I’m still struggling to come to terms with what happened in my marriage to my ex husband. A situation of work place bullying has brought it all back in full force. As you have so brilliantly written, we need to be real and tell it like it is, depressing and sad like it is. My heart goes out to you and as always, if you ever need to talk/vent, I’d love to catch up for coffee. Love Helen Hosking (Beyer)

    • Hi Helen, thank you for these beautiful words, they mean so much ❤
      That's really interesting what you said about PTSD, I certainly have experienced a lot of moments were I feel overwhelmed or "triggered" because I am unexpectedly reminded of those horrible moments. I feel very sorry for the people close to me every time this happens! I'm so sorry to hear you are experiencing workplace bullying, I hope that it is sorted out very quickly and dealt with properly. Thanks again for your encouragement, much love to your family xoxoxo

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s