Breathe in Now

So it’s been over a month since I last posted. Part of that was wanting to wait until I had something half thought-out to say, and part of that was wanting to keep all the things I’m learning stored away like precious treasure. And part of it is that I’ve been busy breathing and learning and living.

I really don’t know what in my life will resonate with people now, but I know that I friggen love life more than ever. When everything was so shit over the past year I used to have a mantra that I would repeat in my head just to calm down and be able to take another step through hell.

It was simply: “The sun, the breeze, the sky, the trees.”

Just saying that to myself, took the focus away from me and my private hell, and onto the magnificence all around me. No matter how effed up life becomes, these things remain, and they remain beautiful and pure and good and constant (well, at least until the sun explodes and obliterates us all).

Ok, so not technically the sun exploding but still an amazing movie (if you're into metaphors and all that)

Ok, so not technically the sun exploding but still an amazing movie (if you’re into metaphors and all that)

I lost basically everything – all of a sudden I had no husband, no job, no income, poor health, and (very soon) no house. I was suddenly untethered from everything that was stable and true to me. I was floating in loss and despair. But yet, those wonderful things – the sun, the breeze, the sky, the trees – remained. And what’s more, I actually started to notice them.

I have no idea what my future holds now, and for the first time in my life I’m okay with that. Losing everything can be somewhat liberating. It means that there is a new and unimaginable future ahead. It’s excitingly scary.

Yes, Life, I'm talking to you.

Yes, Life, I’m talking to you.

In my darkest moments last year I planned to take my own life, and I got terrifyingly close. Knowing this scares me like nothing else in this world.

It petrifies me that I had no idea of the beauty and peace and joy that was just around the corner for me. It is daunting to think I almost allowed my life to be reduced to someone else’s actions upon it. And it cuts me to the core that there are people out there who never get to realise that they are worth more than their circumstances.

I’m not sharing this for pity or concern, I’m sharing this to remain true to the essence of Lady Breaks. It’s about vulnerability and pain, but also about the strength and beauty that is garnered and discovered when everything is stripped and everything aches.

As far as I can see right now, life is impossibly painful and impossibly beautiful. And it’s worth it.

PS. The heading is indeed a reference to Katie Noonan’s (george) glorious, healing song, Breathe in Now. So powerful.

Lady Love

Yes, I know it’s been a really long time since my last blog post. To be honest, I’ve really wanted to write but I also wanted to wait until a time where words like slut, whore, home-wrecker, harlot, and strumpet didn’t fill up the page… Actually, who am I kidding? I couldn’t wait to use a word like “strumpet”!

1057No, in all seriousness, things are actually really going very well! All things considered I am really loving life and happy to be here – which is something I wouldn’t have been able to say at all for the past year. I’ve had so many beautiful people rally around me and lift me up that I can’t help but be filled with joy and the deepest appreciation.

In fact, my entire perspective on friendships has changed dramatically over this time. When my world imploded, a close and dear friend wrote to me and said that it will be strong women who will heal and buoy me during this season. And, yes, I guess since I write a blog about how strong and resilient women are I should have known this. But the truth is I have always been one of those girls who “finds guys easier to get along with than girls”, so my inner response was kinda more like “Bah, humbug”.

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When I promise cat gifs, I deliver cat gifs.

Over the years, I had let many of my female friendships wither, always choosing to spend time with the husband instead. So I guess I never had the opportunity to experience the true power of lady friends. Until now.

Despite me being a contender for the World’s Slackiest Friend, woman after woman after woman started coming out of the woodwork to heal me. Some cooked, some cleaned, some wrote lovely cards, some took sooky calls at 4am, some weathered my (misdirected) storms, some took me out, some kept me in, but all – I actually mean all – shared their own stories of pain and loss and suffering with me. And it’s been powerful. It’s inspiring to be able to hear and witness story after story of how women have overcome, how women have thrived, and how women have risen up despite.

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So, without minimizing the beautiful and touching efforts of all my lovely guy friends, I want to say thank you to the ladies – you have made my world colourful and abundant once more.

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x

Lady is Broken

There is no easy way to do this; in fact I have been putting it off for weeks. The sad truth is that I, Ms. Lady Breaks, am broken. I don’t mean broken in the sense of cracked or rusty or crinkly or hurt. I mean b r o k e n. Crushed, obliterated, eliminated. Smashed into a zillion unfixable pieces.

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And I’ve spent a long time thinking through the best way to do this. I mean this site is about strong, resilient women and it’s about my journey towards a family. And now, my life is about none of those things. I feel weak and battered and unsure of the future. Every single one of my dreams has been ripped from me, callously and without warning. Everything I spent fourteen years building and loving is gone. The last eight years of a harrowing fertility journey has culminated in an epic naught and nothing.

Mr. Lady Breaks has opted out of our life together.

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Right now I simply can’t make sense of it, and I don’t know the right words to articulate it. I don’t know how not to spew hate across this page at what has been done to me. I don’t know how to describe the hole in my heart that was full of him for more than half my life. I don’t understand why this has happened. And I can’t begin to comprehend the depth of repugnance of character of someone who would come between a husband and a wife.

In all honesty I never would have thought that this would happen to me. I loved being married and I adored my husband and our life together. Fertility issues aside, I thought we had a pretty damn good life. But, I guess life is always ready with another curve ball, I just could never have seen this one coming – especially not when I was already in hospital!

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I thought long and hard about closing Lady Breaks down completely. I feel humiliated and ashamed of my story now, like I finally managed to build up the courage to share everything and now it’s all irrelevant anyway. All those adoption assessments, safety locks, IVF needles, baby clothes, all that pain and anguish, the years of hoping and dreaming, it’s all withered away to a pointless and traumatic end. I was always so sure that Spring would eventually break forth for us.

So yeah, I was very close to just shutting this whole embarrassing blog down, I felt hypocritical, like everything it reflected no longer resonated with my reality. But then I remembered that I am the captain of this ship, and I really friggen love writing it. I remembered that its focus is on strong and resilient women, getting back up despite everything telling them to stay down… and I want to go to there.

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Right now, I do feel broken, but I know I will get up again. I would love you to keep walking with me as I fight my way through this (I promise to reward you with multiple cat gifs). I will still advocate for adoption. I will still promote infertility and pregnancy loss awareness. And I will still have my lovely, inspirational Guest Ladies. I just don’t really know what else I will have, because I really don’t know what my new life will look like yet. So if you don’t mind a blog that is more like an unfinished ‘Choose your Own Adventure’ novel, jump on board.

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As for me, I will get back to listening to Adele and watching animal compilations on Youtube.

x

Note: I don't really want to listen to Taylor Swift.

Note: I don’t really want to listen to Taylor Swift.